10 Not-So-Shitty Things About Today
Today was a long, stressful and - minus the fishbowl-sized glass of red wine that I had at a press conference mid-afternoon - relatively unenjoyable. However, I’m trying to make an effort to be a more positive person, so I figure what better way to start than to try and think of 10 non-shitty things about today. That said, in no particular order, here are today’s silver linings:
- My boss brought in Timbits and made sure that there were no Old Fashioned Plain ones in the 20-pack because she knows how much I hate both the way they taste and, more importantly, their bland name. My mouth gets chalky just saying it. Seriously. Referring to them as the “Amish-flavoured ones” would be a massive improvement, though arguably not if you’re Amish. In that case it would probably just be a massive religious slur.
- I didn’t have to wait in line for the bathroom once at work today. No awkward pee dance or sneaking into the guys toilet required, unlike every other day in my over-staffed - or under-bathroomed, depending on how you want to look at it - office.
- As I mentioned earlier, I drank a giant, complimentary glass of wine while listening to some fine jazz music at a press conference this afternoon. Free wine = good time.
- I stopped to pick up cat litter on my bike ride home from work tonight, and I was convinced that the 15lb bag would rip and spill everywhere while I rode home with it. Well, it didn’t.
- I found out that I wasn’t the only one to get freaked out on by a particular coworker. Apparently it happened to several people today, and I actually experienced the most moderate of the freak-outs. Double win!
- I thought it was going to pour rain on my bike ride home, but instead the sun came out and I didn’t have to dodge any drops or bitch at myself the whole wet ride home for not installing fenders on my bike for the third year in a row.
- I got my tax return and I owe the government nothing! In fact, they owe me a rather healthy chunk of change - which I have already mentally spent.
- An author that I respect requested my friendship on Facebook, and I felt mildly cool by association.
- The girl that sits beside me in the office made a comment about motor-boating balls, which was obviously misheard and taken way out of context, causing me to laugh until my face felt burny.
- I ate McDonald’s for lunch. In front of a vegan.
10 Signs You May be Having a Mild Anxiety Attack
10. It feels as though there is a sumo wrestler, piggybacking Rita MacNeil, sitting on top of a pregnant elephant, standing on top of your chest.
9. Tears well in your eyes as you stare into the fridge and realize that you’re out of Thousand Islands dressing. And you don’t even like Thousand Islands. Nor do you have a salad to apply dressing to.
8. You’ve vacuumed all of the rugs in the house at least eight times, not because they needed to be vacuumed, but because at least when the vacuum is running, you can’t hear yourself think the same thought over and over and over again.
7. 40 of the past 60 minutes are totally blank, but for some reason you’re sweating and you now own 4 bottles of laundry detergent and a book of stamps.
6. Your stereo is blaring hits of the nineties because at least if your mouth is busy screaming out the words to In the Meantime, you’re not talking to yourself.
5. You’ve made a list of everyone you can call to talk you through this anxious evening, but subsequently crumpled the list up and tossed it out because you hate talking on the phone.
4. You took two extra strength Advil followed by another two, two hours before the bottle said you could, in the hopes that Advil does something for anxiety (because they both start with the letter A, obviously). Turns out that sharing the first letter of your symptom with the first letter of your over-the-counter drug of choice means squat, so now you’re stressed and neurotic over the fact that there’s too much Advil pumping through your veins.
3. Bits and pieces of the past few days that had absolutely nothing to do with you start playing in your head, and you’re convinced that you’ve somehow managed to singlehandedly wrong everyone who appears in these memories.
2. Sleep is the sexiest word anyone could offer up to you right at this very anxious moment.
1. You hope that listing the nine signs above will somehow negate experiencing those same steps, but when you find out that it doesn’t and that no amount of self-depricating humour can help, you crack a bedtime beer and hope sleep comes quickly.
I don’t have a grown up’s liquor cabinet. In fact, I don’t even have a dedicated cupboard to put my liquor in; why bother when a bottle doesn’t last longer than a night in my house? I suppose this is also a sign of not being a proper adult - that is, buying booze on an as-needed (read: binge drinking) basis. Surely as I close in on age twenty-six, it’s about time I started to amass a fine collection of spirits, to be housed behind glass and sipped after a long day at the office, rather than pulled from a paper bag and pounded while attempting to apply liquid eyeliner for a night out.
So, I’m embarking on a ten week challenge because, really, everything’s more fun when it’s put in challenge form. Each week I’ll have no more than $30 to spend on a bottle for my “cabinet.” (Keep in mind that the quotes are because I still don’t own the actual piece of furniture - minor detail). At the end of the ten weeks, my goal is to have a beginner bar that, if nothing else, is diverse enough in alcohol content to chase a shot of whisky with a Long Island Iced Tea.
In no particular order, here are the types of booze I’m after. As the weeks pass, I’ll be posting on what brands I bought, why I bought them, what they cost, and my preferred method of drinking them:
1. Triple Sec
They Don’t Call it Fun-Employment for Nothing
So far this week, I know four people who have been laid off; three from one company and one from another. I also know that the layoffs at these two places of business are by no means complete, and when all is said and done, there’ll be more heads rolling than George R. R. Martin could possibly write into a chapter of Game of Thrones. So, with that thought in mind, I figured now would be an excellent time to write my first top ten list of the year:
Top 10 Reasons Why Getting Laid Off Is Great*
10. That conference call/meeting/presentation scheduled for tomorrow that you’ve been stressing out about for weeks. Yeah, you know the one. Fuck it. Not your problem anymore. Looks like (insert slacker coworker’s name who surprisingly hasn’t been laid off yet, here) is going to have to deal with it, and rumour has it he/she farts uncontrollably when nervous. Smell ya later, sucker.
9. The cab chit home after being walked out of the building with your box of personal effects. Maybe you’ve needed groceries for a while, but you don’t have a car, and it’s the winter, and you hate lugging milk and juice and laundry detergent home in the snow in your bundle buggy. Never fear, the layoff cab chit’s here! Have your cabby stop at the grocery store on the way home and leave the metre running while you take your time in the condiment aisle deciding between Ketchup and Catsup. Tough call.
8. The creepy IT guy. Since he set you up with your laptop and VPN access on day one, the IT guy has either been aggressively hitting on you, or describing his sweaty, sexual conquests to you in graphic detail over lunch (which, incidentally, you didn’t invite him to - he just decided to tag along). Not anymore. You don’t have to see, hear, or smell him - I’m imagining he smells of Cool Ranch Doritos, pepperettes, and shame - ever again.
7. Ladies who lunch, or whatever the dude equivalent of that is. Surely you have some friends who don’t hold down regular 9-5 jobs and, as a result, often get together for what seem like utterly fabulous, extended weekday lunches. Guess what? Now you too can take part without worrying that you’ll need to disguise your vodka breath before stumbling back to the office. What office? Drink up!
6. Expense reports/time sheets/ TPS reports or whatever BS document your ex- place of business liked to force you to do. You just don’t have to do it anymore. Enough said.
5. You get your brain back. For years your brain has been congested with marketing plans, sell through numbers, production timelines, and an assortment of other work-related matters. Now, you have clarity. Try writing a poem, or really listening to a piece of music. Or maybe just enjoy being able to hear your own thoughts for a while without worrying that you’re going to have to write a contact report about them later.
4. Free time. You made a New Year’s resolution to get at least an hour of physical activity in every day, and in the four weeks since January 1st, you’ve only done about 15 minutes worth, including the walk from your desk to the office vending machine every day at 3pm. Now you’ve got nothing but time to kill, so join a Capoeira class and kill your time in style through the art of Brazilian dance fighting!
3. It’s better than getting fired. At least you know it’s the company that sucks as a whole, not just you. Take comfort in that fact.
2. Changing your Facebook status to, “FUN-EMPLOYED!!!” Replies from friends will start pouring in, both career focused (i.e. “Aw, sorry to hear it hun, but I know a company that’s hiring and I think you’d be a great fit! Send me your CV.”) and commiserate (read: boozy) in nature (i.e. “Dude, I’ve totally been there. Let me take you out to drown your sorrows. How’s tonight?)
1. Finally, an excuse! Truthfully, you’d been wanting to quit for months/years, but if you’d gone that route you wouldn’t have received a severance package, and you wouldn’t have been able to apply for employment insurance. Since you’ve been laid off, you likely get both and, funny enough, your bi-weekly salary as an unemployed lout who doesn’t get out of his/her pyjamas until well past noon ends up higher than it ever was when you were waking up at 6am to get to work on time.
Sign. Me. Up.
* I recognize this statement isn’t true for everyone who gets laid off. Suddenly finding yourself without a job can be stressful both emotionally and financially. If you’re experiencing these kinds of stresses, or you’re just someone who thoroughly enjoyed their job and didn’t spend every day for the past 3 (5, 7, 10) years praying for the axe to drop so you could collect your severance and flip your boss the double bird on your way out the door, please just try to see this top 10 list as shards of silver lining during an otherwise shitty time.